Shoreline, WA:
Investigators believe a hastily scribbled note found pinned to the window sill of the Easy Escapes Motel in the 17500 block of Aurora Avenue was written by Paul Ryan’s conscience, portions of which were found splattered upon the sidewalk below. The note cited “terrible, terrible conflicts” between the “love the poor teachings of Jesus,” which Ryan’s mouth has consistently cited as a guide in his life, and “nasty, nasty Ayn Rand,” whose philosophy Ryan’s body has consistently actually followed.
Neighbors in the motel, where many consciences reside when on sabbatical from their person’s body, reported hearing mournful cries throughout the night from room 127, where Ryan’s conscience had resided for years. One neighbor heard a muffled scream around 7:58AM, moments after a smiling Paul Ryan appeared on television behind President Trump to celebrate passage of a new healthcare bill.
Writing that it “couldn’t take it any more,” his conscience “saw no way out,” and concluded the note with these hastily scribbled words: “Bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad!”
Witnesses described Ryan’s conscience as withered and desiccated from years of malnutrition and lack of vitamin D. “He (Ryan’s conscience) just wasn’t doing good, you know?” Easy Escapes night manager, T.S. “Floppy” Higgins, reported. “Frankly, he looked like shit. You know, most of the consciences that come through here only stay for a little bit while their body’s work through whatever problems they got going on. But Ryan’s (conscience), he’d been here for years.” Asked if he was surprised by the suicide, Higgins shook his head. “Nope, not one bit. I think we all seen it coming.”
Paul Ryan’s body declined to comment on this development, though observers said he appeared to be functioning normally. “He actually appears relieved,” one aide noted, while another commented that Ryan appeared “less burdened” by the development.
Reached for comment, the White House released a statement that Paul Ryan’s body “is an upstanding member of Team America,” and called the death of his conscience, “sad.” They also noted that they looked forward to future collaborations with Ryan’s body on issues such as immigration reform, the federal budget, and women’s reproduction.
Friends and confidants noted that Ryan’s body and his conscience appeared to live on rocky ground since the mid-1970’s. “They just couldn’t never make it work right,” a childhood friend who refused to be named said. It is rumored that the two hadn’t spoken since the National Prayer Breakfast in October, 2003. “They had a bumpy relationship,” one former staffer noted, “a real love hate affair.”
A memorial service for Ryan’s conscience will be held by constituents of Wisconsin’s 1st Congressional District in November, 2018.