This blog is not a very popular corner of the internet. I have a steady readership of about four (4), and I’m just fine with that. Not all of us can—or want—to be The Pioneer Woman. Most people come to this site because they know me, but occasionally folks will stumble upon this space after having searched for other terms. Circled below in red are two that brought a recent visitor to this site:

My first reaction upon seeing this was to laugh, aloud and deeply. But like any good clown my mirth quickly turned to sadness. I grew sad and disheartened for the person who clicked on my site with what I only imagine as excited, grand aspirations of “hunting for naked women” and “nudes women in shower” (I can overlook the poor grammar given the spirit of the search) only to get… me. L’il ol’me: intermittently-grumpy, perpetually-inane, a stalwart of generally uninteresting nonsense, and nothing whatsoever like a naked woman, in or out of a bathtub.

Imagine the scenario—you go online looking to hunt naked women in bathtubs and instead come across a mid-30’s bozoo whose last blog posting was about dog poop. That would’ve bummed me out, and I began to feel terrible for this person. I tried to think of ways to contact my mystery searcher and apologize for what must have been a shoulder-shrinking letdown. But after some thought I realized that there is in fact a photo of a naked woman in a bathtub on this site, so perhaps it wasn’t such a let-down after all (I know—now you’re curious; relax, it’s right here).

As I said, this isn’t a popular website, and I found it difficult to believe that Googling these terms would ever lead anyone to me. So, in the frontier spirit of adventure I tried it myself. I Googled each phrase individually as well as collectively. I went through 20-pages of results per each search (each page contains 10 results), which means I passed over 600 pages without ever once seeing anything connected to this site. Instead, what I did find is exactly the one thing any sensible person would expect me to find with these search criteria: porn. Oceans of porn. Mathematically impossible amounts of porn. More porn than even the most sex-addled addict with nothing else to do but look at porn, all day every day, could ever get through in a lifetime.

I passed over 600 pages without ever seeing anything connected to this space, and I can’t imagine the perseverance someone must have possessed to follow the results to the point where this site would show up. This only whets my curiosity further—how many hundreds of pages of results did it take before your dear, hungering soul found me? And more pressingly, why?

And so, to whoever you are who found this site using those results—I’m tempted to call you ‘sir,’ but given the patience you must have exhibited to navigate to this site (eg, all the other, far hotter porn you passed by) I have the sneaking suspicion that you’re in fact a lady, or, at the least not the average dude—I’m sorry if this site let you down. In the spirit of congeniality I’d like to promise that someday I’ll rectify things in your favor, but in truth I can’t imagine ever producing content that will effectively satisfy the search phrase to hunt a naked woman. Still, I would be honored to know who you are, and if you ever pass through these parts again please do drop a line.