All of us have probably heard the phrase, Be Here Now. Whether we got it from Ram Dass or Oasis, Be Here Now simply and succinctly sums up most approaches to meditation as I understand them. Despite being only three words long, this is an oddly challenging undertaking. When you stop and pay attention to your thoughts, it’s amazing how much time you spend anywhere and everywhere other than Now.
(One thing I like about meditation is that it’s an invitational rather than dogmatic approach. If you don’t believe me, you can give things a try and see what you find.)
When preparing to meditate you’re generally encouraged to sit down. This is to engage your body and reduce the likelihood that you’ll fall asleep, which makes sense as we usually only lie down when we’re ready to sleep.
Generally, I don’t do sit down to meditate. I already spend too much time sitting and typically have lower back pain. To offset this, I often meditate lying on my back. Most days I lie on the floor and put my feet up on a couch or chair. Today was no exception.
Before beginning I considered my intentions. You’ll hear a lot of talk about intentions in meditation circles. It can be corny, but it also can be useful. After all, how are you going to achieve a goal if you don’t know the goal you’re trying to achieve?
I intended to Be Here Now. It sounds simple enough—all you gotta do is show up. But like I said above, it’s never that easy.
Things started out well enough, but after two or three minutes the cats begin to squawk and chase one another. They stepped then started then stopped again. I became frustrated. That frustration grew self-righteous and insistent: after all, this this was my meditation time! How dare these fur-balls decide to play now!
Hearing that Now made me realize how far from Now I actually was. I smiled and took a few deep breaths. I felt my back relax toward the floor as my mind returned to the moment. I could hear the cats still chasing one another, but it no longer bothered me. The could do their thing and I’d do mine.
I congratulated myself for being so focused. The cats continued to zoom around and I wasn’t bothered by it one bit. Instead, I was fully present and focused on a series of self-congratulatory thoughts about how fully present and focused I was… Like I said earlier, it really is amazing how your mind will make things not-Now.
Just as this awareness was settling over me, one of the cats came tearing down the hallway. I should clarify: I don’t know that for a fact. You must remember I’d transcended all petty considerations regarding cats. I do know two things: one nine-and-a-half pound fuzzy gray monster named Sterling decided to use me as a launching pad to propel himself onto the couch, and the first stop on his route was my penis.
It may sound like a cop-out, but I think you need to possess a penis to truly understand what it feels like when one gets smooshed. That said, if you don’t have a penis but have been thinking of getting one, I don’t recommend it. They’re more trouble than they’re worth. Seriously, like—way, way more trouble than they’re worth—and honestly the other team’s hardware is a way prettier.
The most challenging thing to explain isn’t the pain: women can not only understand that but typically endure more of it. What I find most difficult to convey is the time delay that occurs. This delay cannot be measured by standard instrumentation and is extremely disorienting. It’s a little like being on hallucinogenics, only without any of the fun. To put this another way, somewhere between the time Sterling landed on my penis and my mind’s becoming aware of that fact, time slowed to a sludge.
Things
Passed
Slowly
Even
Though
They
Passed
Quickly
My mind became a dark tunnel, and I waited in its middle at a bright and clean train station. From the right a train labeled, Pain! sped toward me, while from the left barreled another called, The Cat Landed On Your Penis. Moments before these collided into some level of comprehension, Sterling decided to continue upward to the couch. I suppose that was inevitable. Probably I should’ve seen it coming. But you must remember,
Things
Passed
Slowly
Even
Though
They
Passed
Quickly
Sterling lowered onto his haunches and used his rear legs to launch himself up onto the couch. This is standard cat-jumping behavior and is un-noteworthy except for the fact that Sterling’s rear legs rested atop my penis.
The trains finally collided. I became aware of nothing but everything involved in that moment and that moment only. I heard a soft pfoof as Sterling landed on the couch cushion. A sharply insistent, awful, burning pulling sensation spilled outward from my penis and took hold of my pelvic bones. My eyes popped open and I gulped. I’d finally arrived at Now.